This month I wanted to touch on the subject of bullying as a precursor to April’s National Child Abuse Prevention Month. It can be a difficult subject to address when you go a bit deeper into all of the many stories and prevention campaigns, but I believe that it is introspectively critical when it comes to the initial approaches in dealing with such a widespread, centuries-old issue.
Bullying in childhood…
A child knows when someone is ‘being mean’ to them; they hurt inside. They may retreat, put their head down and cry. They may run away at the risk of being called names or laughed at. Then there’s ‘fight or flight’…they might get tired of being pushed around and stand their ground and fight in defense, but then both can get into trouble. Then, even when the adults at school or on the playground separate the two, they might not get a true picture of what actually happened. The bully may lie and say that the victim started it; the bullied child may tell the truth and not be believed, or might continue to retreat or be silent. The mere concept of bullying can begin as complex from early childhood, pre-teen/teens and into young adulthood.
To understand the childhood bully, there should be an understanding of why they might be doing what they do. Perhaps they’ve witnessed bullying in their own homes and have learned it from family members. Perhaps they’ve been abused and hurt, and feel just as hurt inside, but act out towards others in the way they had learned from the adults in their lives. Children are smart; they know what they feel. But they have just as much trouble processing the trauma in their personal lives as to the trauma they can cause in others.
Bullying in adulthood…
With adults, bullying can be either obvious or very subtle. They can be in a state of constant criticism or dismissiveness…behind backs (gossip) or even in front of others. They constantly interrupt or talk over others at the table or in a room, dominating discussions or conversations. The only voice to be heard is their own. They can target and make sarcastic comments or jokes (“I’m just joking, you can’t take a joke?) Gaslighting is a popular tool for bullies. But if it doesn’t feel funny to you, it’s not.
Jealousy can also be a common thread; bullies can act out against someone they think is prettier, more handsome, smarter, more talented, more sociable, more dynamic, more privileged. They can be envious of someone else getting more attention than themselves. They like to steal ideas from others and call them their own. They may feel intense hurt inside that things are unfair and unjust, but approach those feelings with anger and vitriol rather than diplomacy and kindness, and convince others to join them in their fury. They might also pretend to listen, but then ultimately decide to do it their way without consideration. In this situation, the “crabs in a barrel” analogy fits. Who gets out first? Nobody.
Adult bullies are anywhere and everywhere…in business and the workplace, in organizations and volunteer groups, in community and tribal settings. It’s a “dog eat dog world” where intimidation and control are what is used to undermine the thoughtful and judicious. They create cliques; exclude, rather than include. Some might even defend bullies: “Well, they’re not that way with me,” or “That’s just the way they are,” or “They mean well, they’re just passionate.” This doesn’t help because it only validates the bully, shifting their behavior as acceptable instead of unacceptable, thereby minimizing the voice of the victims.
It’s more than just saying “no”...
Alcohol and drugs can complicate things, but even if one is sober, bullying behavior can be deeply programmed from early childhood. No one can change or make another person to be more kind. The change has to come from within, and it takes time to change a habit or behavior and get on a new path towards healing.
Seeing through the symptoms and finding the root causes can help, but ultimately, standing up to the bullies might eventually require intervention. Calling bullies out on their behaviors when they even subtly appear can be risky, because their walls instantly go up and they can get very defensive and dig their heels in. The spotlight is now on them. Situations can then get awkward and tensions escalate.
My own approach to bullies has been to walk away and not participate further. In doing that, I’m making a statement with action, that I don’t tolerate how or what is being said or done as acceptable. This takes away the control and power of the bully and exposes them for who they really are. But this also has risk, because then they can (and will) spread lies, gossip and rumors to tear down one’s character behind their backs. It seems that will happen, no matter what…especially since it is an effective tool in a bully’s toolbelt. When they start throwing sand in the sandbox, you can always take your toys and walk away!
These days with social media, gossip can become rampant and damaging, to the point that victims of bullies become depressed. They might turn to alcohol or drugs to try to suppress the hurt; they might have suicidal ideations. They might feel lonely, thinking no one believes in them. Or, they might even go back and continue being controlled by the bully’s narratives. Adults have just as much trouble processing the trauma in their personal lives as to the trauma they can cause in others.
See a familiar pattern? That’s because bullying is a huge factor in the cycle of abuse!
Forgive, but don’t forget.
I was a victim of abuse. It wasn’t until my adult years that I got a phone call from my abuser, and they broke down in tears, asking forgiveness for all the things they did to me. I readily forgave them, and from that moment on, our relationship took a turn for the better. Why? Because we broke the cycle together. I will never forget the abuse. But that they themselves one day recognized and admitted what they had done? It brought us to a crossroads to where the first steps of healing and building a better relationship could take us both down a better road. Forgiveness was the catalyst to change!
Not all situations are like that. There are some things in our minds that are unforgivable. In those cases, I can push the reset button and forgive in my own heart in order to move forward, because quite frankly, you have to do it for your own sanity…your own mental and spiritual health. You still have to recognize the bullies for who they are, but you can be wiser and more discerning of who you let into your Circle. Are they kind to you and others, or do they backbite and gossip? Do they bring peace, togetherness, and a spirit of teamwork...or create division and strife? Are they serving others, or serving themselves?
Find your tribe, your Circle. It’s okay if it’s small, but at least it can be with like-minded people who are more kind and caring. That circle can begin to grow as you reach out to those who treat you with mutual respect, those who genuinely listen (pass around a Talking Stick!), and those who are inclusive. Evidence will show that those who are builders of peace through word and deed are the ones who walk their talk.
You know how you feel. And if you know, you know.
Carol Harper
Project & Outreach Coordinator
MMIP Wind River
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